Woman travel in packs, and with a pack, there’s always an alpha female or two, or as I call it, a “Darth- female” ready to tear you down and magically reveal all your weaknesses like your poor credit score, how you miss your old feathered mullet, and that tendency you have to practice wrestling moves in the nude. Why do we “Darth females” like to make your life hell? Because we don’t trust you if our lives depended on it, and if you’re cute we want to know why you didn’t choose us. To put it frankly, if her friends don’t like you from the get-go, you’re facing a ton of future hassle. But don’t put down that Heineken just yet; there is a way to please the dark side. Grab your light saber, and read the following strategies on breaking through the “Force-Field,” and enlist one based on your personality type.
The Han Solo. Best Used by: the Hunky man. Best Avoided by: the Shy Guy or the Geeky Guy.
Chicks dig Harrison Ford and as Han Solo he’s even better. Use the Solo sarcasm and charm. Han Solo always had a comeback for Princess Lea and the gang. A woman lives and loves to laugh, and sarcastic humor can display a man’s smarts as well as his silly side. Even a “Darth-Female” can appreciate a man who’s trying to make her laugh, and sarcasm being one of the smarter genres of humor (take it from me, a comedienne) tells the “Darth-female” that you’re on her level when it comes to IQ.
As far as charm goes, Han Solo had a natural charm; he never had to work hard to make Lea melt. If that sounds like you, make the “Darth-female” feel charmed first. If she likes you, then she’ll feel ready to let you enter the “desired woman-zone,” otherwise known as: the area surrounding your designated woman. Charm the “Darth-Female/s” by making a small joke, or just saying a simple hello. Don’t go overboard by charming her though for if you do, they’ll misinterpret your charm as flirtations for them, rather then your designated woman.
Tip for dealing with the “Darth-female’s” Storm- Troopers (i.e., the pack of women surrounding your designated woman, otherwise known as the “Darth-Female’s” groupies): Make the Storm- Troopers feel pretty and charmed as well. Give out a little love to everyone with some nice words, acknowledgment of their wardrobes, a drink choice they made, even a piece of jewelry a woman might be wearing. Don’t ignore the groupies!
Strategy Two: The R2D2. Best Used by: the Man’s Man, or the Shy Guy. Best Avoided by: the Geeky Guy.
I always liked R2D2; he was laid-back for a robot. Take his cues, and stay relaxed. Women sense fear; we are like animals, and if we think your tail is between your legs we will rip you up! Try saying hello to all the women in the group and then looking the “Darth Female/s” in the eye ask, “Can I order a round of drinks for you guys?” Don’t say “ladies” say “guys,” because ladies sounds like you’re trying too hard, and if you’re doing the R2D2 the goal is to stay loose. If you’re too afraid to make the move to ask if they want drinks, just say hello and offer to introduce them to your guy friends. A group of men and women combined may make the situation more relaxed. The R2D2 is the man’s man that brings his buddies and girlfriends together.
Tip for dealing with the Storm- Troopers: Tell your guy friends ahead of time to be social. If you’re at a sports bar and there’s a game on, try to teach some of the non-sports loving Storm- Troopers the art of the game. For the Storm- Trooper with sports statistics stuck in her mind, challenge her to a sports quiz.
Strategy Three: the C3PO. Best Used by: the Geek or the Shy Guy. Best Avoided by: the Manly Man, the Hunky Man.
C3PO may have been well polished so to speak, but he was an anxious fretting robot wasn’t he? If you find yourself worrying out loud in a British accent, follow this strategy to breaking the “force-field.
Ask the “Darth- female” if she wouldn’t mind letting you squeeze in at the bar. We women are so used to men just barreling their way through the bar that a polite man will catch even the bitchiest of women by surprise. Then when you squeeze in, tell the “Darth- Female” and her friends how your friends are boring you were wondering if they wouldn’t mind keeping you company? Don’t be too strong because it could come across as being desperate. Don’t worry if your anxious and you have a twitch when speaking with the opposite sex. That’s ok because that’s what makes the “Geeky Guy” cute. It’s when the “Geeky guy” tries to be something that he’s not is when failure happens.
Tip for dealing with the Storm Troopers: Talk about art, movies, and career paths. The Geeky Guy” excels at understanding what a woman likes, and then having a ton of knowledge to spill forth on that subject. Maximize that IQ! Work that Computer Science degree!
Strategy Four: The Chewbacca. Best Used by: the “Shy Guy.” Best Avoided by: all other types.
Chewbacca was so cute; all he did was look furry and cute while making strange animal-like noises. If you’re a man of very few words with social anxiety, this strategy is for you. Go to the bar near the women but don’t say a word. Be sure to come alone, or leave your friends at a far enough distance that you look alone. A man alone at a bar makes women think all kinds of things: is he waiting for a date? Is he so confident that he goes wherever he wants without his friends? That shows strength and a mysterious side which women love. Whatever you do, just don’t drink too fast or too much because then you will just look like an alcoholic. Since you’re a man of few words, take your time to sit and relax because any sudden moves could make you freeze up from your nerves. Your first move should just be a smile in their direction. That shows interest while also showing respect for their space. Then if the women seem flattered by your smile, ask them to all come over and join you. If the opposite occurs and you get either a scowl from her darkness the “Darth-Female,” send them over a round of drinks first, wait ten minutes, then come over and just say hello. Be sure to buy everyone drinks because singling one person out is too obvious and you are Chewbacca, nothing you do or say besides coughing up a fur-ball is obvious.
Tip for Dealing with the Storm-Troopers: let the ladies lead the conversation. Since you’re not a talkative guy, direct open-ended questions that keep the ladies talking, and make them feel good because you’ve expressed an interest in them.
Well gentleman, I hope we learned something today. My last piece of advice is if you try to approach a woman and she acts like Jabba-the Hut, high tail it out of there! Think about it this way: do you really want to be pushed around by a slimy piece of garbage? Just keep your eyes peeled for a few Ewoks, and the rare, rare Princess Lea.
