You imagine the two of you speeding off into the night with ski equipment or snowboards, ready for a weekend trip. When she pulls up in her mini-van, you think to yourself, “Finally, a low-maintenance woman!” When you go food shopping, or finally decide to buy that flat screen TV she offers you her SUV. You are way into soccer mom and her sporty, low-maintenance vehicle. You hope she plays tennis and wears the cute little tennis dress. You hope you can do naughty things in the backseat of that sporty vehicle.
The Con’s:
Be wary of the woman who drives the soccer mom mobile because chances are she wants cute little bodies with your likenesses to fill those comfy seats. Instead of your snowboard and flat screen television, the “Soccer Mom” will want to see soccer balls, dirty cleats, groceries, and diapers filling up her functional vehicle. Bye, bye naughty activities, good bye tennis dress and snow board trips, hello Montessori schools, hello little league, hello no social life, unless you count play dates!
Gentlemen, unless you are willing to hide your naughty movies, sell your Xbox, and give up watching wrestling, and become a dad in the next one to two years, you better run. She knows the names of her future kids already and chances are one of them is Chloe. Be her friend and pass her on to your more settled down friend. Like Oprah says, “Do a random act of kindness.”
Other Lemons in This Category: The Jetta
Freudian Tip: This woman gets along with her father. Her mother was the P.T.A president.
The woman who drives a hybrid seems so hip at first: she spent extra money on her car to improve the environment. She even knows all the emission standards. Not only is she a graduate from an Ivy League college (your parents would be impressed), but also she’s in the know about politics and the world around us. She works in environmental law, and you’re impressed by her passion for her work. She loves all the same indie bands that you do and she plays the guitar. Sexy! Even better, she’s a woman who doesn’t care if Lindsay Lohan is in rehab or that Britney Spears had a meltdown. You can talk to this woman!
The Con’s:
Talking to this woman is fun at first but when she’s leaving the party to go to a protest to “Save the Whales,” or she’s yelling at your neighbors for not recycling or leaving the sprinkler on too long, you know you’ve got a little environmentalist on your hands. You may find her giving political tirades on the state of the nation during Thanksgiving. Prepare to piss off grandma. And keep your ears clean, she’ll be reciting her thesis for you on numerous occasions. Any money she spends will always go towards good causes so you may need to remind her that you’re a good cause too!
Other Lemons in This Category: The Volkswagon Beetle- old or new, and the Hippie Van
Freudian Tip: This woman will definitely request you save water by showering together. She hates her weak mother and loves her intellectual father.
Wow, this woman has a car you are dying to drive. You hate your car so much in comparison to hers; you’d rather have her car then have her! This woman will challenge you all over the place- including in the bedroom. You always said you love a good argument. Even better, she can keep up with you. When you’re at the gym, she has you in such a sweat that your endorphins have you flying high. And when the summer rolls around and she shows up in the tiniest bikini known to mankind, you thank your lucky stars you can see. Then when she brings her equally attractive friend over, you’re wondering to yourself: how many people can fit in the back of a (insert car name). This woman is not afraid to get dirty.
The Con’s:
It’s sexy at first to see a woman in a sportscar but unless you’re Mister Secure, after a while you may begin to feel like a nerd as you drive alongside her in your Civic. Even worse, as great as it is to see her in a bikini, you’ll be sorry when she’s walking off with one of your friends. A woman who drives a sports car loves challenges and is bound to get bored, so chances are she’ll be kicking you to the curb when she finds a better game to play.
Other Lemons in This Category: any kind of truck or motorcycles
Freudian Tip: If you really like her, tell her you find her to be a little self-involved and then ignore her for one week; she will love you instantly.
Every time she comes over, you pray she doesn’t break down in the middle of the night. She seems sweet, genuine and baggage free, coming over with her vegan brownies, and her lab-mix puppy. She’s like your favorite t-shirt that you can’t throw out, (comfy, reliable, and unassuming) or that old reclining chair (relaxed, steady) you’ve had since your dorm days. And while she may not be a wild one, she’s comfortable in her own skin and doesn’t have major body issues. In other words, she doesn’t mind lounging around au naturel.
Probably studying something in the liberal arts, she’s going for her PhD, and is a homebody, preferring to stay home rather than go out when she just has class or work the next day. This woman is a woman of basics- the easier her personal life, the better. She’s not staring at your paycheck or asking you nosy questions, she’s simply having fun with you. This woman has her own hands full so she isn’t riding your butt and won’t be so much of a nag.
The Con’s:
It’s really nice to have a genuine woman with dreams and goals, but it’s also nice to have someone who can afford to go Dutch. How many times do you want to pay for dinner? And if you end up with her, you end up with the woman who has a ton of college debt! Not only that but she’s constantly got her nose in a book, and when it comes to fun, she will always remind you that she’s poor. Curl up with a large book like “The Illiad,” for your weekends, and pick up a second job….. you’re going to need it for those bills.
Other Lemons in This Category: women with no car, just a bus pass and a smile.
Freudian Tip: This woman will enjoy long love making sessions but be prepared to analyze your feelings afterwards.
The Pro’s:
This woman is a true lady. She’s a businesswoman who takes her job seriously, and won’t have a fit when you have to stay late at work. She’s savvy and always knows the right thing to do and say: she makes the sophisticated look nonchalant. Her car is always immaculate, and this is the way she also takes care of herself. She enjoys going to the gym, and you love how strong she looks and feels. Loves traveling, she enjoys exploring and trying new things. She’ll be the first one to suggest a new place to go to, or a new hobby to try. Accomplished and confident, this woman is a great partner in love and life.
The Con’s:
Trying to get this woman free for a date is a pain. She schedules her whole life like it’s a business, asking you to call twenty-four hours in advance, and making you wait while she’s running late at work. Accomplished is nice, but sometimes she forgets that not everyone is like her and she comes off as being terribly snobby. Rigid with her diet, as many new and exotic restaurants she introduces you to, she’s always watching her figure.
Other Lemons in this Category: This is a class by itself.
Freudian Tip: This woman will leave you for an older man.
Men remember this: no matter what kind of car you drive, no matter what kind of woman you date, you’re bound to bring it in for a tune-up every now and again. Don’t expect perfection.
