You're probably familiar with the saying, "Distance makes the heart grow fonder". While this may be true in the Hallmark aisle of your local pharmacy, reality often suggests otherwise. So many relationships rupture when they enter the zone of long distance. The stress and strain dislodges even the sturdiest of foundations, and the surface of our hearts becomes, like the earth, a series of fault lines. We could tentatively rewrite this cheesy saying such that, "As distance grows, the heart flounders."
The truth is, both alternatives - holding on and letting go - involve great sacrifice. Neither decision is easy to make, but you can be more informed when you choose. Let's explore the drawbacks and benefits to long distance relationships, and when they are worth engaging in.
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You don't have to be Einstein to know why long distance relationships are tough:
Loneliness & Longing
You were accustomed to her presence in your life. Your days were interlaced with short, gratifying transactions. At night, her body lay next to yours, and the way the sunlight spilled across her hair in the morning...you could torture yourself recalling the small moments.
Insecurity & Jealousy
It's a Friday night and you've made the bi-weekly pilgrimage to the bar. You wonder what your girlfriend is wearing when she goes out. Where she's going, and who she's talking to. Shy of hiring a spy, you'll never know her every move. You'll need to get used to that uncertainty.
The Grass Is Greener Mentality
Suddenly, you notice how countless attractive women pass your way every day. If this were a National Geographic program, you'd probably be chasing all of them under the guise of procreation. Your long distance girlfriend may keep you up at night, but only for a chat via phone or internet. Tempting.
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On the other hand, Einstein, there are some perks to long distance relationships. Let's modify his Theory of Relativity a little bit.
Independence
There is no need to declare it "Boys Night". You get to spend quality time with your friends and family at your discretion. If you'd like to develop your career, study more in school, or pursue a new interest, here is one less person to distract or deter you. Imagine how empowering this can be when most couples are perceived as a "unit" without separate identities.
Romance (Read: Lust)
The flame can burn longer and stronger! Chances are, you will cherish the moments you spend together because they happen less frequently. What does this translate to? More passionate sex, less pointless bickering. More creative dates, less boredom and complacency.
Money
Sure, love is priceless, magical, and rare, but it sure can drain your cash. Now you can watch your wallet be restored to its natural luster! This may seem like a tacky bonus, but having the ability to save your own money – to spend on yourself, or invest in something for the future - can be extremely rewarding.
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If you're still reading, it's time to evaluate if you and your girlfriend could succeed in a spatially challenged scenario. Here are some things to think about that may increase your relationship's chances of survival.
Uniqueness
Before you whittle away the dark hours lamenting your love, make sure this person is worthy of your efforts! You don't have to hear birds chirping amidst wedding bells, but how long have you been together? How long have you been happily together? Is she the only person you see yourself content with? Or do you think you need more experiences? This could be the ideal time to date new people.
Mutual Trust & Respect
How strong is your conviction that you're her only man? If she has cheated on you in the past, you may need to think long and hard about how faithful she will be to you now. Similarly, she has to be sure that you will be loyal, too. Even if you decide to open up the relationship, you both need to be on the same page.
Shared Trajectory
What are your ultimate paths? If there is a specific point in time when you will reconvene, then maybe you can handle the distance for now. If there's no hope, or it's unclear when you will be together again, it's a big deterrent to committing to a long distance relationship. Finite despair is much more palatable, isn't it?
Synchronized Schedules
You don't need to know what time she's brushing her teeth, but you should have a general idea of your girlfriend's routine. This will allow you to envision each another in your respective worlds, which can be quite comforting. And as a result, you can form a consistent time to catch up - a good night phone call, a morning e-mail from work. This promotes the belief that you can still be a part of each other's lives, even if it's not in person.
Goodbye Skills
Parting may indeed be sweet sorrow, but do you think you'll last long if you say goodbye 'til it be morrow? Most people you've met in your life come in and out without Shakespearean exits, and you need to learn how to handle this departure with grace. Furthermore, your conversations should be a healthy mix of humor and sentiment, peppered with flirtation and small-talk. In other words, both parties have to accept the circumstance and make the best of it.
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We all make decisions that we hope we won't regret later, but sometimes the prospect of long distance relationships spawns a host of "What-if's?" What if you tried long distance for a few months and it all fell to pieces? Was it a waste of time and energy? What if you broke up before the big move and couldn't stop thinking about her? Would you tell your grandchildren about the one who got away? If only our technological advancements could determine longevity in love, a guaranteed shelf-life, like stamps on a carton of milk. Instead, we're left to measure our relationships with old-fashioned tools: emotion, intuition, and experience. And like so many other experiences in life, there is no right or wrong decision here, just different lessons to learn.



